Our Little Secret (part 1)

by Jeffrey Bützer

West End Motel/Fiend Without a Face/Jeffrey Bützer
Starring…

Andrew Wiggins: sound engineer (Hawks)
Ben Thrower: guitar (Tornado Town)
Brent Hinds: guitar, vocals (Mastodon)
Jeffrey Bützer: piano, accordion, melodica, bells (Jeffrey Bützer, The Compartmentalizationalists)
Mike Shina: keys, guitar (Rent Boys)
Stephanie Luke: tour manager/driver (The Coathangers)
Stiff Penalty: bass
Tom Cheshire: vox (All Night Drug Prowling Wolves)
Troy King: drums

5 Jan 2011

We met at the thunder box practice space and loaded up for the trip at 9AM. Quickly realizing we bought the wrong sized lock for the trailer, we made a detour to a hardware store. On the way in, we stopped to pick up three day laborers. Tom and Brent kept asking them “can the three of you run sound, play organ and drive a van?, You are cheaper than Stephanie, Wiggins and Bützer.” They asked to be dropped off and we never heard from them again… the fattest one swore he’d come to my birthday party, but I will believe that when I see it.

After eight hours and three stops at Love’s Gas Station/Arby’s we made it to the Big Easy. I should take a minute to tell you how well Rain X actually works. I always assumed it was like Snake Oil or Midol… a windshield placebo if you will. We played at a club called One Eyed Jacks, and ate the worst food New Orleans had to offer, served by the surliest woman I’ve ever met. “How is the jambalaya?” asked Mike Shina “How bout you look at the menu, and we can ask questions later, ok?” was her reply. With an added “and we don’t have any jambalaya here!” She didn’t even bother to pepper her sentences with a “hun” or “sweetie” here and there like we are used to.

West End Motel played a set an hour later, then it was time for Fiend Without a Face. Brent (with the help of Wiggins acting as a translator) showed me the songs on the drive up, I had pages and pages of notes. Before we went on I said “ok Brent, I just need a set list and I will try to get through this.” “I don’t care for set lists, you’ll do fine” he assured me. “Can you call out the name of the song we are playing so I can find my papers before each song?” I asked. Then he laughed for a few minutes.

I should digress here and explain that life “on the road” was new to me. So…you know, it was a little tough at first. My tours in the past have consisted of me flying with my wife out of the country, sleeping for two days, then playing several shows. A sort of half vacation half tour. I don’t mean to imply that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I’ve just been lucky enough to be allowed to eat off of one a few times…but normally all I was eating was plain oatmeal, or generic ice cream. I should also note that I don’t even drink alcohol. You will understand why this is important information later on in this tale, or figure out why by yourself before I get to that part. I can also offer this advise: never try and read notes you wrote in pen while wearing black pantyhose over your face, it doesn’t work.

The show ends and I assume everyone is as tired as me. I am wrong. Some dude with an eagle tattooed on his forehead and dreadlocks down to his rear end has kindly offered us couches and floors to sleep on. Stiff, Wiggins and myself went to sleep in the van while the others went to a bar. I layed awake as the other two snored the night away. At one point Stiff coughed in his sleep and woke himself up. He lit and smoked an entire cigarette and fell right back asleep… this guy is a pro.

3AM The guys pile into the van and we are off to eagle tattoo guy’s place. His house looked like a Masquerade employee decorated it in 1995, only using purchases made from The Junkman’s Daughter; Motorhead posters, skulls, owl rugs, occult books, a picture of the last supper with all of Jesus’ friends replaced by serial killers (how subversive!) I ended up in a room by myself in a sleeping bag, I stepped on dog poo on my way in.
The gang were rocking out to WASP records in the living room for a few hours then the homeowner came into the room I was in and flipped on the light to find a Pink Floyd record. At this point I began to pray: “Please grant me the superpower of tolerance, or at least reward my patience.”

9AM rolls around and I finally get some sleep.

6 Jan 2011

I awake to find out Ben Thrower cannot find one of his $300 boots and he is furious about it. I have a vague memory of Brent kicking them out of the van, then Troy throwing them back in, then Troy throwing them out of the van, then Brent putting them back in. This seemed funny to all of us at 3AM. We drive around, first looking back where we were originally parked the night before, then we came to the conclusion that someone must’ve found and stolen Ben’s one boot ($150 value), so we take another thirty minutes looking for a man walking in a circle. We went into a nearby pawn shop and asked the owner if he had bought a nice boot that day. He said we should try the pawn shop across the street because the owner loves monocles, fake arms and making other asymmetrical purchases, so he might have bought just one boot.

But there wasn’t a pawn shop across the street, he must have been confused. At this point I pitch a idea for a song called “We Went Looking for Thrower’s Boot”- this idea was quickly shot down by eight of the nine people in the van… too soon, I guess. Later on West End’s lawyer made me sign a piece of paper stating that I had no part in the writing of the song “The Search for Ben Thrower’s Footwear.”

Next stop… Houston, Texas.

On the trip there I stopped and bought some items to help me sleep and enjoy the tour a little more; Tylenol PM, earplugs, an allergy mask, a knife and one of those eye masks they give you on airplanes. The mask combined with me paying for my own hotel room that night earned me the nick name “Bette Midler” for the rest of the tour.

Do you remember Blues Hammer from the movie Ghost World? The really bad white blues band?
That is exactly what the opening band sounded like this night. The show went fine, Brent came up on stage during my set and sang “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and I opened the night by saying “we were told Houston had really sexy homeless people…boy were we misinformed!” I couldn’t tell if Houston liked the joke.

7 Jan 2011

Denton, Texas

We pulled over some old train tracks and there was a huge pile of salt behind a chain fence, a strange little pink building with a twiggy tree in front of it, a construction site, another pile of salt next to that and a brick building. someone jokingly said “we’re here!’ and we all had a good laugh. However, the laughing stopped when Stephanie said “No, we really are here!” Brent woke up and said “I’ve played some crappy clubs in my day…and this is one of them.”

Hours later I play my set, then I play with West End, then I walk around the bar hoping someone will pat me on the back and tell me I did a good job. After circling the bar a few times I finally get stopped by a couple and the girl said “nice socks” then the guy said “hey, maybe work on your jokes less and practice the piano more” My mind started working on a great comeback, but I realized it was taking too long to answer, so I said “what?” then when he started talking again I looked at my watch and said “I have got to go get ready for the next set, thanks for coming out” and I slapped him on the arm.

The Fiend set was going pretty well, until a young man came up on stage and grabbed Brent’s fez off his head – “oh, dear” I thought to myself. Brent chased him, wrestled with him, then forced something from his pocket in to the guy’s mouth… it might have been an aspirin or a breath mint or maybe LSD… I really can’t remember everything perfectly, but the kid freaked out, spit it out and went home… he must hate having fresh breath or something.
But I guess Ben had a headache or wanted to kiss a girl or something because he picked up and whatever it was and put it in his mouth.

Show’s over, time to leave, right? Wrong…we had a flat tire on the trailer. We were broken down in front of a factory that made some kind of snack cakes. One of the workers came out to check on us and we asked him what exactly they made in there, he told us with a stone face that he was not at liberty to say, but we could probably figure it out ourselves. We finally got the tire fixed four hours later and Steph drove us to Austin. I started calling her Steph, not out of familiarity but to save energy, in times like these, every syllable counts. It was getting late. We all slept while she drove. Wiggins couldn’t take the snoring so he slept on the roof of the trailer… I let him use my blanket, and wear my helmet.

8 Jan 2011

Austin, Texas

We arrive at a guy named Gary’s house the next morning, and Tom starts telling me all about Gary, how he plays with Hank III and that he knows Tom Waits and all these other cool things. Normally I would have really liked to talk to Gary, he did indeed sound very interesting, but when you’ve been awake for what feels like two days, a futon and a blanket suddenly seem way cooler than any musician’s accomplishments.

After a hefty sleep my friends Patrick and Anna pick me up and we ate at a really great pizza place called “Home Slice” then off to the next show. This night was not the best memory from the tour. In fact, the words “Don’t put any of this in the tour journal” were said to me frequently on this particular night. My set got bumped, And I still had not learned the Fiend songs on organ… the show was a bit of a mess for a few reasons. and there was talk of a couple people quitting the tour including myself, but after a while, everyone except myself had decided to stay. I packed my things into Patrick and Anna’s car and was looking for a flight home.

9 Jan 2011

The next day I ate really good BBQ at Ruby’s, then went to Gary’s house to tell the gang goodbye and good luck. I swore before I went in that they would not talk me into staying. Moments later I was back in the band. (I either said to someone or thought to myself “I’m going to carry on with the tour.. but there are going to be some changes!”)

I talked to Brent and told him I would finish the tour but I was quitting Fiend Without a Face. He agreed that this was a good idea. I’m a professional and this is serious business, so I turned in my pantyhose mask and fez hat. (I wasn’t in the band long enough to earn a cape)

10 Jan 2011

Albuquerque, New Mexico

Unlike Bugs Bunny, we made a right turn at Albuquerque, and found a nice hotel. Once again I opted for paying for own room. The man at the counter said he would give me a double room for the same price as a single since I was with all my friends. “No, please, NO!” I begged him, but he insisted. I quietly offered my second bed to the two quietest people, but explained they had to come in quietly after 1AM. I think they both forgot about my offer by the end of the night. The show was our best thus far. Everyone was rested and back to normal. And I can honestly say that New Mexican food is way better than used Mexican food.

11 Jan 2011

We were told we would go through some sort of border patrol type of deal soon, So a couple of the guys needed to finish off their “medicine cigarettes” before we got there, as they explained to me that they had forgotten or lost their prescriptions. They said I had my first “contact high” when I started playing “air organ” in the van for long periods of time, and found this sign that read: “fresh water” extremely funny …and I suddenly really liked Thin Lizzy.

When we hit the border patrol, Troy suggested that we tell them that we were a Christian rock band. I came up with what I thought was a much better plan, and said that if the drug dogs bark we should tell them we were traveling dog toy salesmen. (Maybe I was high?) The dog never barked. As we pulled away Stiff said “Man…that dog must’ve been broken” We all laughed really hard, especially me …then I got really hungry.

Scottsdale, Arizona

Later we stopped at a gas station and Brent was recognized by a touring hardcore band called…something, I can’t remember. They kept calling him Troy. (Troy is another member of Mastodon) I liked these guys because they used the word “legit” over and over. “You play with Troy from Mastodon? you’re legit!” – “you’re on tour too, you guys are legit!” – “Have you tried the slushies here? they are legit!”

We played in Scottsdale this night and the “legit” guys showed up. Also in the crowd was this guy that really wanted Brent to come out to his car and drink Wild Turkey and “jam” with him, Brent kept saying “No, man…we are playing inside tonight.” There was also this guy who was telling me how great his friend was “awe man, he is a great writer and a comedian. Funniest dude I know, you will crack up at this guy, he kills me!” When I met his friend I said “I hear you’re quite the comedian” and he just nodded. I paused, he still said nothing, so I went to get a drink. I came back a minute later and he had just finished saying something, and everyone was rolling on the floor. I asked if I missed his joke and he nodded again. I stood there for a minute, then left again.

I guess whoever picked the first opening band (a one man metal band) thought to himself -you know, Brent is in a metal band…and Jeffrey has his sort of one man band thing, lets find a guy who combines these two things in the worst possible way imaginable… and who is super loud. Following that fellow was a band called Janis Joplin Crap and Vomit… You know how it gets annoying being around someone who thinks they are really funny? there were three of them in this band. Each member had on a funny hat, shirt or wig, or some combination of “funny” things. Once again I felt like it was 1995.

The promoter let us stay at his house and he kept talking about grilled chicken all night. He dropped us off at his house and then he headed right back out to get chicken. While he was gone I found a small shrine to Mastodon in his room and assumed I would never see my family again. I fell asleep on a nice couch to the sound of a didgeridoo and Casio keyboards courtesy of Mike and Brent.